When it hurts...

There are some connections that just cannot be broken. When you meet someone and there is an instant click, how do you “unclick” it? There are meditations and visualizations that you can do to protect yourself from such things. I really don’t want to block myself from anything. Of course, I don’t want to feel pain and negative emotions, but without those there is no balance. There should always be balance in nature. Plus, if you don’t get hit with the bad, does the good mean as much? Something that seems like it isn’t such a big deal to someone that is happy can mean the world to someone that is always sad.

It’s the little things…

But that hurt…that ache of a love gone wrong. What do you do when you have that connection with someone and you can’t cut it?

I just can’t cut it…

I don’t know if I truly want to…

I love him…

See, I am going through heartache. I love him with all my heart; it will always belong to him. I do my best to be understanding of how he feels. It is taking a bit. I am not use to this. I won’t go into detail about what is going on specifically, but right now, he doesn’t feel he can be what I deserve to have. I do believe that is my choice, BUT, he is the one that truly knows. I cannot argue with that. I have to respect his wishes and boundaries. I love him. I have gotten angry, flipped out, over explained and ultimately made myself into the asshole. Some things you just can’t take back. If he loves me still, he will forgive me in time. I forgive him. I love him. Being understanding is taking time, but it is happening more and more. It doesn’t mean I like it. I don’t. Not one bit. It hurts…but, I love him.

I am empathic. I can feel things. I can feel people’s emotions. Sometimes, I can do more. I won’t get into that now. When he and I met, it took me a little while in the conversation to feel a definite connection. I knew the first time he made me laugh that I loved him. My love for him is as natural as the love for my children. There is a strong connection. I can feel him so strongly, that I can feel anyone else that he cares for. I can feel when he his emotions are intense. The last few days, in fact. He is sad. He is lost. He is confused. He is lonely…He is 1600 miles away and I can do nothing! I don’t even know what to say to him. He doesn’t want to be told to cheer up or look on the bright side. I can’t tell him he needs me (which I still know he does, even if it is only as a friend and change of perspective on life). He has to see it all on his own. If he doesn’t, his mind and spirit won’t recognize it as a valid choice and he will always seek for more.

I cannot sever this connection. But it hurts…It hurts that I can’t have that love he showed me before. It hurts to feel his pain and there is nothing I can do about it. It hurts that I don’t know if I will even see him again. Oh how I miss his smile. I miss his voice. I miss his intellect. He is so intelligent. He has a beautiful spirit, I see it in him. I feel lonely today. I feeling like something is missing within me.

No, I don’t NEED a man in my life. I don’t NEED him in order to be happy and at peace. This isn’t the same feeling. You know when it is said that when you lose an appendage, you can still feel it because of the energy field left behind? This is what I would IMAGINE it would feel like. I can feel him. I can feel him right next to me, but he isn’t there. I can feel his pain, but he isn’t there. I can see the sadness in his face, but he isn’t there.

All I know is that I cannot force anything. I have to be patient and understanding. Wait and hope. That is all I have. But above all…I have to remember to just breathe…even when it hurts.