I am a single mom. I have 3 beautiful children. They are the greatest kids EVER! Ok, so I am a bit biased on that last statement. That statement also has nothing to do with BEHAVIORS!!!!
My oldest,Devante, is nearing 10 years old. He is intelligent and very mature for his age. He loves his mommy more than anything in this world. He does not know his biological father, or as a friend of mine calls them, bio-donor. His bio-donor was from a one night stand. I'm not ashamed of this.
I, also, have 5 year old boy/girl twins, Juanito and Rhyanne. They both have very distinct personalities. They are polar opposites. Their bio-donor isn't around because I won't let him be. Blood aside, he is just flat-out a horrible influence for my children. I made the mistake of having his kids, but that does not mean I am doomed to subject my children to his kind of person. It makes it easier for me to do so because he will only ever have a lawyer and step into a courtroom if he is in trouble and a warrant forces him.
None of my children have a solid, positive male role model. I have guy friends and my brother has been helping me with them lately, but, for the most part, mommy is all they have.
There is nothing wrong with having just one parent. It is just harder to raise children, especially more than one, on your own. Challenges are daily, even for parents that do it together. I grew up in a single parent home. My mother worked all the time. her priority was based solely on finances. That is fine, but my oldest brother was left with the responsibility of in-home raising me and my other siblings. What does a kid know about raising a kid? Shit, what does anyone know? It is a learning process. That process starts over with every new child with every new personality. What works for one, will not guarantee what will work for all. Can I get a "Hell yeah"?
All three of my children are energetic, creative, funny, and are free thinkers. I encourage that. My encouragement bites me in the ass. What can I say? At least, I can admit it. Mouthing off, not doing what they are told, doing what they want, behaving one way with mommy and an entirely different way at school. The twins are in Pre-school. I was forced to place them in pre-school. That is a conversation for another day. I don't like the local elementary school. Small town, one public school option. *shrugs*. Juanito is the most...rambunctious?...of the three. He is my challenge. I can handle Rhyanne. She is just like me. I can handle Devante. For the most part, he is the ideal child. Juanito gives me a run for my money. I don't put up with misbehaving, but it is the prevention and punishment that can make or break you.
I do believe in spanking!!! Yea! I said it!!! WHAT?! But I am not allowed to spank. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel beating your child or using a belt or any other old school discipline "item" is appropriate. If you can't get the point across with your hand, you need to reanalyze your method. Spankings are good for a "shock and awe" effect. Get thier attention. You don't necessarily want to instill fear into your child, but they need to realize the seriousness of their actions and that they WILL be held accountable for those actions. It is like the court system. They instill the fear, or try to, of being locked up for not following laws. Of course, these are children and not crimes against the system. You want to teach your children respect of the laws of the home. How do you teach a child respect? Seriously, I want to know!
Fear and respect are not one in the same, but without one, you need the other. While you are teaching respect, you need to be able to get and keep their attention. Love works to a point, but is easily taken for granted. Fear is right there. Actually, I don't really see it as fear. I like to think of it more as anticipation of an unknown punishment. Because I am limited on my parenting, I have had to figure out how to get my child's attention and to instill certain "behaviors" in them. How do you do that when they are under the care of someone else? Yup, the school can't handle Juanito. Of course, I get blamed for it. They claim my child has special needs.
On a quick side-note, I do not believe in psychological disorders or behavioral disorders. I believe that our spirits branch out in a sphere of energies. We are all connected but our spirits take on traits of different areas of that sphere. Autism is a big one! I don't like the label. It groups children and adults in a category that automatically sets them below the "norm". Who wants to be normal anyway. Those diagnosed with Autism are actually people with a special type of spirit. It is the same with people that are diagnosed with personality and mood disorders. I have been diagnosed with such a disorder. It's not my fault nor anyone else's fault if the world can't handle certain personalities. It is called closed minded, ignorance, prejudice...
Now back to my children...
Juanito has a great personality. I refuse and will always refuse conventional medication. I don't want my son to lose who he is because I can't handle his spirit. There is always a balance. The challenge is finding that balance. If you want what is best for your child, you do what you have to, right? So, why is medication always everyone's first option? I refuse to force any of my children to meet me half way. They are children that I am raising to be an adult. They came from me. I am responsible for their upbringing. If I can't get my child to meet me halfway, I will go ALL THE WAY for my child!!! If that means I have to change myself to reach him, then so be it!!! But the "experts" that went to school still can't figure out how to reach my son. I am being "forced" to put the twins in counseling. Remember, I am pagan. That does make a difference. What I teach my children, I am afraid, will conflict with the counselor. Why? You may ask. Because society is built on certain ideals, most of which I do not agree with. I have told the school the techniques I use at home. I get results.
Breathing techniques !!! Your child misbehaves? TAKE A DEEP BREATH!!! You AND your child. Practice on yourself. Inhale...1...2...3...4...exhale...1...2...3...4...Repeat until you are calm. I do this regularly with myself and my children. I have gotten to the point when I say suddenly, "take a deep breath," they immediately stop what they are doing and they take a deep breath. Sometimes, all I do is take a deep breath and they follow suit. It is the consistency that becomes the key element to making it work. Give it time. Any new learned behavior needs a conscious effort before it can be automatic.
1, 2, 3...Magic!!! Ok, I really, really, really, really dislike that title. But, IT DOES WORK!!!! When a child is doing what they are NOT suppose to do, you count. Count in a firm tone. This one is a bit more difficult to master. You HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH. When you get to three, and the behavior isn't corrected or stopped, you must enforce discipline. Decide what those punishments will be ahead of time. Time out, alienation from the group, take away toys, games, treats. You will know or learn what works and what doesn't. Don't let yourself get discouraged. Like I said, it takes time to learn a new behavior. This applies to both parents and children. Again, consistency is KEY!!! Kids know if you are bluffing if you only just count. Like counting is so scarey!!! Maybe if you dislike math it is! LOL. Anywayzzzz...I use this method regularly. Sometimes all I do is count 1. If I really want to see a major result, I will just skip to 3! Change it up. Anticipation and fear of the unknown really play into this!!! Keep them on their toes. Change up your punishment, too. People adapt to punishments. Child will adapt faster!!! You don't necessarily need to make the punishments worse every time but different. Sometimes bearable sometimes "we pushed mommy/daddy too far this time." Wasn't I just preaching about consistency? Not everything needs to be consistent Variety is the spice of life! LOL Consider this like a hot pepper. LOL
These are just a couple of methods I use. I figured out the breathing on my own. I was taught the 1, 2, 3 Magic by a woman that helps families for a living. Getting outside help is ALWAYS useful. But NEVER be afraid to experiment. Who knows your children more than you? If someone else does, then maybe you need to go all the way to reach your child. Children are smarter than given credit for. Because they don't know "facts" and how to live on their own doesn't mean their thoughts and feelings aren't valid. Children learn what you teach them. I speak to my children like they are my equals. They ARE my equals!!! I don't treat them like adults because they aren't yet, but I expect them to understand what I say. I talk to them like they understand what I say. I know some things they don't understand and I don't get graphic, but I explain things in an objective manner. I explain THOROUGHLY!!! They will catch on.
Being a parent is rewarding like nothing else in this world is. How you raise your children is a DIRECT reflection of who YOU are! If you don't want them to grow up like you, raise them differently. It is scarey to relearn your own behaviors. Watch for my post about self-reflection. Doing differently for your kids is NOT impossible. You only need to desire the change. If you have that desire, any desire, you CAN do it!!
I feel as if I am failing my children. I break down. I don't have the energy to match my kids. I say and do things I regret. I am still a human being. I have had to relearn everything I was ever taught. I did that so my children will have a better life. I struggle with who I am and I have to consciously remind myself that everything "bad" inside of me is ok. I don't want my children to have the inner struggles that I have. I can not avoid them in my children, but I can try to prevent them. If nothing else, I want my children to be open enough with me that we can address any issues together. I will always be there for my children. I will always accept them for who they are and I will never disown them. Sometimes I feel I should just give them to a "normal" family. I feel like I am screwing them up. I feel like I am failing them. I feel like I teach them nothing and I am just wasting my efforts. But don't a lot of us feel that way? Does that feeling ever go away? I guess I will find out. But no matter what I feel, I HAVE to keep trying! I have to continue to fail in order to learn my mistakes so I can change them!
Being a parent is hard. But so is being a child with a confused parent. We are in this together. I know if I bash my head into a wall in frustration, my kids will come up to me and hug me and tell me how much they love me. They are worth the headache...EVERYTIME!!!
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