When it hurts...

There are some connections that just cannot be broken. When you meet someone and there is an instant click, how do you “unclick” it? There are meditations and visualizations that you can do to protect yourself from such things. I really don’t want to block myself from anything. Of course, I don’t want to feel pain and negative emotions, but without those there is no balance. There should always be balance in nature. Plus, if you don’t get hit with the bad, does the good mean as much? Something that seems like it isn’t such a big deal to someone that is happy can mean the world to someone that is always sad.

It’s the little things…

But that hurt…that ache of a love gone wrong. What do you do when you have that connection with someone and you can’t cut it?

I just can’t cut it…

I don’t know if I truly want to…

I love him…

See, I am going through heartache. I love him with all my heart; it will always belong to him. I do my best to be understanding of how he feels. It is taking a bit. I am not use to this. I won’t go into detail about what is going on specifically, but right now, he doesn’t feel he can be what I deserve to have. I do believe that is my choice, BUT, he is the one that truly knows. I cannot argue with that. I have to respect his wishes and boundaries. I love him. I have gotten angry, flipped out, over explained and ultimately made myself into the asshole. Some things you just can’t take back. If he loves me still, he will forgive me in time. I forgive him. I love him. Being understanding is taking time, but it is happening more and more. It doesn’t mean I like it. I don’t. Not one bit. It hurts…but, I love him.

I am empathic. I can feel things. I can feel people’s emotions. Sometimes, I can do more. I won’t get into that now. When he and I met, it took me a little while in the conversation to feel a definite connection. I knew the first time he made me laugh that I loved him. My love for him is as natural as the love for my children. There is a strong connection. I can feel him so strongly, that I can feel anyone else that he cares for. I can feel when he his emotions are intense. The last few days, in fact. He is sad. He is lost. He is confused. He is lonely…He is 1600 miles away and I can do nothing! I don’t even know what to say to him. He doesn’t want to be told to cheer up or look on the bright side. I can’t tell him he needs me (which I still know he does, even if it is only as a friend and change of perspective on life). He has to see it all on his own. If he doesn’t, his mind and spirit won’t recognize it as a valid choice and he will always seek for more.

I cannot sever this connection. But it hurts…It hurts that I can’t have that love he showed me before. It hurts to feel his pain and there is nothing I can do about it. It hurts that I don’t know if I will even see him again. Oh how I miss his smile. I miss his voice. I miss his intellect. He is so intelligent. He has a beautiful spirit, I see it in him. I feel lonely today. I feeling like something is missing within me.

No, I don’t NEED a man in my life. I don’t NEED him in order to be happy and at peace. This isn’t the same feeling. You know when it is said that when you lose an appendage, you can still feel it because of the energy field left behind? This is what I would IMAGINE it would feel like. I can feel him. I can feel him right next to me, but he isn’t there. I can feel his pain, but he isn’t there. I can see the sadness in his face, but he isn’t there.

All I know is that I cannot force anything. I have to be patient and understanding. Wait and hope. That is all I have. But above all…I have to remember to just breathe…even when it hurts.

Samsara is suffering

Yesterday…or was it the day before? Anywayzzz…I stumbled upon a Kindle book, Modern Buddhism: The Path of Compassion and Wisdom by Geshe Kelsang Gyatso. I thought, “Interesting.” So I downloaded it. I know really NOTHING about Buddhism. I won’t even argue it.

The concepts inside about life and enlightenment are absolutely profound! There are concepts in there that I have contemplated on some level at some point. Not on such a high level, but getting there. What blows my mind the most is the concept of the delusions of the mind. I get it. I am trying to really grasp it, though.

What I understand is that we are just manifestations based on delusions of the mind. Our bodies, our “I” image, does not exist. Hmmmmm…I must look more into this!

Imagine…I’m getting all John Lennon on you…universal peace of mind!!!

Ok, let me back up. Buddhism talks of Samsara. Samsara is suffering. In every life you are reborn into brings on that planes type of suffering. Actions within your life will determine which life you will be reborn into. Non-virtuous actions force a birth into a lower level of existence, i.e. animals, hungry ghosts, hell. Perhaps just again as a human, demi-god, or god! It is all based on your actions because your actions create thoughts in your head. Whatever your mindset is when you die is based on your life’s actions and will thus plant the seed for your next life. Even the higher levels, such as gods, have their own type of suffering. The only existence free of all suffering is the Land of the Buddhas. Mind you, this is just my understanding of what I have read in one partial book in the last 2 days. This blog gives me the opportunity to journal and reflect.

Now, where was I? Oh, yes, suffering! So, because we are on this plane, we are forced to suffer. That sucks!!! But there is a way to ease and alleviate the suffering in this life and stop the endless cycle of suffering through rebirth. Through compassion of all life, we can achieve such a wonderful existence, free of suffering. Enlightenment. There is WAY more to this, I realize that. I have much to learn.

I have a goal. My goal in life is to achieve enlightenment. Coincidence? Probably not. I am not saying I am going to up and convert to Buddhism. I love my pagan beliefs. I hold them dear to me. For more than just material, thought manifestations. I have to find the balance. If enlightenment is the only way to be free of suffering, then why not attempt to alleviate everyone’s lives of suffering as much as possible? While we are on this plane, forced to suffer, that does not mean, while we are trying to achieve enlightenment, that we cannot make the most of it. *turns and looks impressed at last sentence*

I worship my Mother Earth. Whether we exist actually or not, we are still stuck with our own delusions until we attain enlightenment. My time until I attain it will be spent trying to become one with the earth. Cherishing all life, without exception. That will take awhile. But I do not expect to grasp this over night. I want to study more on this. I want to study more about paganism. I will find my balance. I won't forget any other religions. I believe I need to have a basis of knowledge on everything. But for now, I will just stick to the two.

I didn't plant the seed, but I can help it grow. I will help it grow more bountiful if I have the wisdom to grow it with care.

The need to be wanted...

Emotional turmoil. Loneliness. Confusion. Inferiority. Stupidity. Worthlessness...it goes on and on. What in the fuck is anyone suppose to do anymore? Feelings are no longer valid. They are no longer sacred. Life is no longer sacred. Death is coveted.

"I love you to death."

"I will die for you."

What about, "I love you for life." Or, "I will live for you."

I will live for you in return. When one feels that way, the other seems to have the opposite feelings. The relationship starts out wonderful. Both are filled with love and understanding. Then one day, one person changes. Then, they expect the other person to have changed. So what happens? The one that didn't change is all of a sudden an asshole? Am I retarded? Or did I miss something in there somewhere? Cause I just don't get it.

Then you have those guys that sit there and say stupid shit like, "why do women date such assholes?", "why don't the nice guys get good women?" Let me break it down for you...gentlemen...

A woman doesn't choose a guy because he is a BAD guy. It's not like they act like neanderthals and beat us till we fall in love! They don't start out that way! What those "assholes" have that a lot of "nice" guys don't is confidence and courage!!! They also don't put pressure on us!

About that pressure...when a woman loves a man, he changes all of a sudden, she is hurt and confused, they break up, she is heartbroken; here is what NOT to do!!!!

1. Don't hit on her like she is open game once again! She needs time to process her feelings, re-validate herself with HERSELF, and then heal her heart. This takes TIME!!!! If you are really the better choice for her, then you will WAIT until she goes to YOU!

2. Don't tell her how bad you want to fuck her. Kind of like what I just said, but I felt this one needed to be specified. If she wants you, she will tell you. She already feels low in character and doesn't need you making her feel like a piece of meat!

3. If she doesn't want to talk about it, SHUT THE FUCK UP about it!!! Once again, if she wants you, in any way, she will go to you!!!

4. If she says maybe, that means not anytime soon that she can predict. GOT IT??? Don't ask again! Its like a child repeating a question over and over and over again!!! It's annoying! Chances are, she is on a hairpin with her temper and patience. Do you think pushing her is a good idea? Especially when she just got hurt by YOUR gender? The only thing you are doing is reassuring her that men are insensitive, selfish, assholes. Oh, its not true, you say? Then STOP IT!!!

Now, ladies, if I have missed something, please share. A real woman is one worth every trial and tribulation. When she finds that one person she can accept fully, for everything he is, good and bad, that is something to be held sacred. If you feel you are not good enough for your woman, appreciate her the more!!! It is up to her if she feels you deserve her or not. That should be good enough. A real woman doesn't change. She only loves her man more. She will be a little jealous, at first, but it is up to YOU to show her you love her and only her. Remember, I said a REAL woman. If you have to buy her things in order for her to love you, SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU!!! A real woman is good with you just loving her, holding her, kissing her, WANTING her!!! She wants to feel WANTED!!!! Women are creatures of obligation. We don't want to be needed by everyone, we want to be wanted by someone to share their life with. It isn't a need, but it sure as fucking hell feels GOOD to KNOW!!!! When we feel we are no longer wanted but obligated to still be there, we lose who we are. It isn't that we like it, that we are ok with it, or we prefer it to a "nice" guy. We know how it once was with the person we choose. It is hard to find someone that gives us that feeling. When we find it, we don't want to lose it. We hold on to hope too tightly.

I gave him my heart and I never wanted it back. I want him to keep it still. I have no use for another broken heart. I can never rely on him, I can not trust him. But I want him to keep my heart. I want him to feel my emotions. I want him to know what I feel...without him. I want him to watch it and wonder, "what happens when it stops beating." I want him too wonder if he will ever find out. He can hide from me, but he can not hide from the connection we have.

That connection. That is what it is. That connection is either there, or it isn't. Most of the time, it isn't. If there isn't a connection, there isn't a connection. Don't force one, gents. The only thing you will do is push her away from you and deeper into her spiral.

I love my children with all my heart...but damn!!!

I am a single mom. I have 3 beautiful children. They are the greatest kids EVER! Ok, so I am a bit biased on that last statement. That statement also has nothing to do with BEHAVIORS!!!!

My oldest,Devante, is nearing 10 years old. He is intelligent and very mature for his age. He loves his mommy more than anything in this world. He does not know his biological father, or as a friend of mine calls them, bio-donor. His bio-donor was from a one night stand. I'm not ashamed of this.

I, also, have 5 year old boy/girl twins, Juanito and Rhyanne. They both have very distinct personalities. They are polar opposites. Their bio-donor isn't around because I won't let him be. Blood aside, he is just flat-out a horrible influence for my children. I made the mistake of having his kids, but that does not mean I am doomed to subject my children to his kind of person. It makes it easier for me to do so because he will only ever have a lawyer and step into a courtroom if he is in trouble and a warrant forces him.

None of my children have a solid, positive male role model. I have guy friends and my brother has been helping me with them lately, but, for the most part, mommy is all they have.

There is nothing wrong with having just one parent. It is just harder to raise children, especially more than one, on your own. Challenges are daily, even for parents that do it together. I grew up in a single parent home. My mother worked all the time. her priority was based solely on finances. That is fine, but my oldest brother was left with the responsibility of in-home raising me and my other siblings. What does a kid know about raising a kid? Shit, what does anyone know? It is a learning process. That process starts over with every new child with every new personality. What works for one, will not guarantee what will work for all. Can I get a "Hell yeah"?

All three of my children are energetic, creative, funny, and are free thinkers. I encourage that. My encouragement bites me in the ass. What can I say? At least, I can admit it. Mouthing off, not doing what they are told, doing what they want, behaving one way with mommy and an entirely different way at school. The twins are in Pre-school. I was forced to place them in pre-school. That is a conversation for another day. I don't like the local elementary school. Small town, one public school option. *shrugs*. Juanito is the most...rambunctious?...of the three. He is my challenge. I can handle Rhyanne. She is just like me. I can handle Devante. For the most part, he is the ideal child. Juanito gives me a run for my money. I don't put up with misbehaving, but it is the prevention and punishment that can make or break you.

I do believe in spanking!!! Yea! I said it!!! WHAT?! But I am not allowed to spank. Don't get me wrong, I don't feel beating your child or using a belt or any other old school discipline "item" is appropriate. If you can't get the point across with your hand, you need to reanalyze your method. Spankings are good for a "shock and awe" effect. Get thier attention. You don't necessarily want to instill fear into your child, but they need to realize the seriousness of their actions and that they WILL be held accountable for those actions. It is like the court system. They instill the fear, or try to, of being locked up for not following laws. Of course, these are children and not crimes against the system. You want to teach your children respect of the laws of the home. How do you teach a child respect? Seriously, I want to know!

Fear and respect are not one in the same, but without one, you need the other. While you are teaching respect, you need to be able to get and keep their attention. Love works to a point, but is easily taken for granted. Fear is right there. Actually, I don't really see it as fear. I like to think of it more as anticipation of an unknown punishment. Because I am limited on my parenting, I have had to figure out how to get my child's attention and to instill certain "behaviors" in them. How do you do that when they are under the care of someone else? Yup, the school can't handle Juanito. Of course, I get blamed for it. They claim my child has special needs.

On a quick side-note, I do not believe in psychological disorders or behavioral disorders. I believe that our spirits branch out in a sphere of energies. We are all connected but our spirits take on traits of different areas of that sphere. Autism is a big one! I don't like the label. It groups children and adults in a category that automatically sets them below the "norm". Who wants to be normal anyway. Those diagnosed with Autism are actually people with a special type of spirit. It is the same with people that are diagnosed with personality and mood disorders. I have been diagnosed with such a disorder. It's not my fault nor anyone else's fault if the world can't handle certain personalities. It is called closed minded, ignorance, prejudice...

Now back to my children...

Juanito has a great personality. I refuse and will always refuse conventional medication. I don't want my son to lose who he is because I can't handle his spirit. There is always a balance. The challenge is finding that balance. If you want what is best for your child, you do what you have to, right? So, why is medication always everyone's first option? I refuse to force any of my children to meet me half way. They are children that I am raising to be an adult. They came from me. I am responsible for their upbringing. If I can't get my child to meet me halfway, I will go ALL THE WAY for my child!!! If that means I have to change myself to reach him, then so be it!!! But the "experts" that went to school still can't figure out how to reach my son. I am being "forced" to put the twins in counseling. Remember, I am pagan. That does make a difference. What I teach my children, I am afraid, will conflict with the counselor. Why? You may ask. Because society is built on certain ideals, most of which I do not agree with. I have told the school the techniques I use at home. I get results.

Breathing techniques !!! Your child misbehaves? TAKE A DEEP BREATH!!! You AND your child. Practice on yourself. Inhale...1...2...3...4...exhale...1...2...3...4...Repeat until you are calm. I do this regularly with myself and my children. I have gotten to the point when I say suddenly, "take a deep breath," they immediately stop what they are doing and they take a deep breath. Sometimes, all I do is take a deep breath and they follow suit. It is the consistency that becomes the key element to making it work. Give it time. Any new learned behavior needs a conscious effort before it can be automatic.

1, 2, 3...Magic!!! Ok, I really, really, really, really dislike that title. But, IT DOES WORK!!!! When a child is doing what they are NOT suppose to do, you count. Count in a firm tone. This one is a bit more difficult to  master. You HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH. When you get to three, and the behavior isn't corrected or stopped, you must enforce discipline. Decide what those punishments will be ahead of time. Time out, alienation from the group, take away toys, games, treats. You will know or learn what works and what doesn't. Don't let yourself get discouraged. Like I said, it takes time to learn a new behavior. This applies to both parents and children. Again, consistency is KEY!!! Kids know if you are bluffing if you only just count. Like counting is so scarey!!! Maybe if you dislike math it is! LOL. Anywayzzzz...I use this method regularly. Sometimes all I do is count 1. If I really want to see a major result, I will just skip to 3! Change it up. Anticipation and fear of the unknown really play into this!!! Keep them on their toes. Change up your punishment, too. People adapt to punishments. Child will adapt faster!!! You don't necessarily need to make the punishments worse every time  but different. Sometimes bearable  sometimes "we pushed mommy/daddy too far this time." Wasn't I just preaching about consistency? Not everything needs to be consistent  Variety is the spice of life! LOL Consider this like a hot pepper. LOL

These are just a couple of methods I use. I figured out the breathing on my own. I was taught the 1, 2, 3 Magic by a woman that helps families for a living. Getting outside help is ALWAYS useful. But NEVER be afraid to experiment. Who knows your children more than you? If someone else does, then maybe you need to go all the way to reach your child. Children are smarter than given credit for. Because they don't know "facts" and how to live on their own doesn't mean their thoughts and feelings aren't valid. Children learn what you teach them. I speak to my children like they are my equals. They ARE my equals!!! I don't treat them like adults because they aren't yet, but I expect them to understand what I say. I talk to them like they understand what I say. I know some things they don't understand and I don't get graphic, but I explain things in an objective manner. I explain THOROUGHLY!!! They will catch on.

Being a parent is rewarding like nothing else in this world is. How you raise your children is a DIRECT reflection of who YOU are! If you don't want them to grow up like you, raise them differently. It is scarey to relearn your own behaviors. Watch for my post about self-reflection. Doing differently for your kids is NOT impossible. You only need to desire the change. If you have that desire, any desire, you CAN do it!!

I feel as if I am failing my children. I break down. I don't have the energy to match my kids. I say and do things I regret. I am still a human being. I have had to relearn everything I was ever taught. I did that so my children will have a better life. I struggle with who I am and I have to consciously remind myself that everything "bad" inside of me is ok. I don't want my children to have the inner struggles that I have. I can not avoid them in my children, but I can try to prevent them. If nothing else, I want my children to be open enough with me that we can address any issues together. I will always be there for my children. I will always accept them for who they are and I will never disown them. Sometimes I feel I should just give them to a "normal" family. I feel like I am screwing them up. I feel like I am failing them. I feel like I teach them nothing and I am just wasting my efforts. But don't a lot of us feel that way? Does that feeling ever go away? I guess I will find out. But no matter what I feel, I HAVE to keep trying! I have to continue to fail in order to learn my mistakes so I can change them!

Being a parent is hard. But so is being a child with a confused parent. We are in this together. I know if I bash my head into a wall in frustration, my kids will come up to me and hug me and tell me how much they love me. They are worth the headache...EVERYTIME!!!

It's ok...

I have no idea where to start. I have no idea what to say. I am at a point in my life that I am totally and completely lost. The bad thing about that is others want to follow me. Where am I leading them? I am leading  them into the dark. The dark is where I am headed. 

Maybe I should back up a little bit. Cause...yea...like anyone that isn't around me or just isn't me really knows what the fuck I am talking about...right?

I am Pagan. I am very hard into my spirituality. I am my own person. I am a butterfly. I think I am crazy sometimes. Most people that know me think I am crazy. I don't care much about personal and mental barriers. The only barriers in our lives are ones that are created from our own mind. Remember I said that. I know love is the greatest cure within ourselves. There is great power in energy manifestation and visualization. Remember I said that, too.

I am not going to go into major detail about anything in my life at this point. I will let things reveal themselves and time goes on. The past always has a way of coming out in the future. It is apart of our learning process. Right now I just want to explain where I am today in my mind. 

All over the place!!!!  lately I have been feeling extremely...fh;sodvh o;ahvodh ahjdc;aoch.  Yup! That's a word now. I'm not sure how to pronounce it, but I can sure as hell feel it! I like helping people. it makes me feel good to feel I make a difference. When I feel I am being used...everything goes to shit. It is my own fault really. I freak out. I blow up. I yell. I fight (not physically anymore, stupid assault charges). When it comes down to it, I can only control myself. This is where the problem comes in. I can't control myself. I am full of feelings, emotions, and thoughts. Always thought. Never ending thoughts. I can't stop the thoughts. I over think everything. I get confused most of the time. Everyday is a struggle for me to get through. I have to deal with myself. Everyday I think of suicide. I do long for eternal peace. I have different views about suicide, but I will not touch on it today. I am not condoning the act, either. Judge me if you will, but I will not judge you. Everyone has their own story. No one is right and no one is wrong. We all have to live for ourselves, together. Anywayzzzzz...Everyday I question my purpose. Sometimes I feel I have one. When my purpose doesn't serve me for betterment, I feel my purpose is mute. I question everything I do. I question advice I am giving WHILE I am giving it. Usually I realize the advice I am giving someone else is really advice to myself. But that isn't a bad thing. I look for peace within myself so I can give it to others. I might as well listen to what I have to say. I might learn something. 

My strive to better myself is a continuous, daily effort. I do it for me, my children, my family, even strangers I meet along the way. I am hoping this will be a good outlet for me. I am hoping I can reach out and help others. It's ok to be who you are. Its ok to be sad. Its ok. Because even when it isn't ok, its still ok. We are all here. We all have the same fears and anxieties. The difference between the strong and the weak is not what we think, but how we act on those thoughts. It's ok to be...